GAME REVIEWED:

REVIEWED BY: Shadow Weaver

Uh, where the fuck is the sound? Where are the sound effects? The free-use music? Why am I playing an adult game with no sound? Do you think anyone EVER wants to hear themselves engage in hand-over-fist activities like an uncivilized, uncultured, peasant? Because hearing the sounds of my own grunts is one of the quicker antidotes to horniness I’ve ever gotten.

ENTER INTO THE WORLD OF MICHAEL JORDAN, BUT IF HE WERE A WHITE GUY

I realize this is out of order, usually, I start with what the game is about, who the characters are yadda yadda, but the lack of sound is a pressing issue, no self-respecting person…okay I’m writing an adult game review and you’re reading it so self-respecting probably doesn’t apply - Not even an uncivilized, uncultured, a peasant should be forced to play a game while listening to their own playlists and risk the chance of the "my little pony" soundtrack coming on. Now to the synopsis.

Enter into the world of Michael Jordan, but if he were a white guy instead, during his college years. Play as this all-star basketball player as he goes to a mediocre college with a mediocre team and a mediocre coach while he balls on women that are slightly above mediocre. Experience the drama, the fights, the sport, and yes the naked women, that an up-and-coming collegiate athlete might go through. I don’t know, I’m writing reviews for this game I obviously am not a college athlete nor do I have any clue what their lives are like. But I’m pretty sure their lives at least have sound.

Wow I've played a lot of games, and truly this one is the only game that has ever made me feel so incredibly (Pause for dramatic effect)

whelmed.

Yeah, whelmed is the exact feeling that describes my time playing this game. The scenes are alright, they come infrequently and last a minute or two (given, 10 seconds is all I need, but still) The animations are pretty rough, some of the characters look great while others just hit that uncanny valley feeling pretty hard. And the expression they make look like they’re generated by an AI that does not understand how people actually look. When they’re sad they frown and pout to an extreme degree, when they’re happy their eyes and mouths widen way past what should be normal. Even the default faces on a lot of them again just really hit that uncanny valley area. It is a bit off-putting, to say the least.

And oh man the writing, wow is the writing something. Have you ever heard the rule of show don’t tell? You show the audience emotions not say them. That should be easy in a VISUAL novel, right? Well, apparently not. There’s one scene in particular where a character repeatedly states “I’m mad, I was mad, I’m so mad,” etc. all within the span of a few lines. We get in the person is mad move on.

Even worse, there’s almost no actual central plot other than being an all-star basketball player because a new sub-plot and/or plot-twist is added constantly. What’s worse is the character's reactions to all of that. People are hit with life-changing news and simply go WOW or OMG and then that’s kinda it, they get over it and move on with life. The characters themselves are all flat as well, no one really has a fleshed-out personality they’re all there to serve the MC and to just push the game forward.

BEING ABLE TO RIDE YOU LIKE A MECHANICAL BULL

Speaking of the MC, he’s just so boring. The guy is a golden boy who can literally do no wrong. Cheat on your girlfriend? No problem actually she’s fine with it and she wants you to sleep with more women because why not. Lose your temper with your superiors? Nah you’re fine you can talk to anyone however you want you’re the star athlete, not even just the star athlete you’re already one of the greatest basketball players to live. Get into fights? Break the law? Not an issue, everyone is on your side immediately, including the police, because well you’re just that good of a person. There are no consequences for your very limited choices as the player. Nothing you do is wrong, whatever you pick when you’re given options is fine, everything will work out all the same. It’s boring.

And lastly, for the writing, the characters are walking contradictions. Women go from being completely inexperienced in bed to being able to ride you like a mechanical bull. Other’s go from sexual deviants to getting caught off guard by being requested to do the most vanilla of acts. In one of the scenes you’re having a threesome, the girls get caught off guard when they’re asked to kiss each other. And not just caught off guard, they freeze up, we’re told they’re nervous or anxious, and then they do it. It just doesn’t make sense.

And finally, the game is fucking long. I get that is a weird thing to complain about but when it plays like this you really feel the length (pun intended.) It just keeps going and going and going, with a new subplot being tossed in, like my salad, every few minutes. 

I lied, there’s one more last thing-incest. In-game it’s your step-mom but still, I’m just not a huge fan of all that, doesn’t do anything for me but hey if you like it then more power to you, step-readers.

(Disclaimer no salad was tossed during the writing of this review, Shadow Weaver does not do any tossing themselves, nor do they get tossed. Shadow Weaver also does not and has not listened to the "my little pony" soundtrack on repeat daily.)

Yeah like we believe you - Editor

DEVELOPER: